The Second Coming

1

The second coming arrived on Broadway and 42nd Street
just before New Years Eve. He stood
in his robe, scraggly beard and sandals,
appearing a little dazed, or maybe just ethereal.
He looked like he belonged there.

"Where is this place?" he asked a passerby in Times Square.
"What!" said the incredulous man. "Who the fuck are you?"
"Jesus," said the second coming.
"Hey," said the incredulous man, "no need to curse, but
you do look like him."
He directed the second coming to Madison Ave.

The second coming stepped out of a cab on Madison
a few blocks from Grand Central Station. He had no money,
but even a New York City cab driver respects a good miracle.
A sign said, "The J. Walter Thompson Agency."
The second coming entered.

Sitting before the man who would become his agent,
the second coming explained about God and Salvation
and Peace and how much God loved purple flowers.
The agent thought he was nuts.
But there was something compelling about this man
in his robe, scraggly beard and sandals,
appearing a little dazed, or maybe just ethereal.

"Maybe we should call the Pope," said the agent.
"Who," asked the second coming?
"It's too complicated to explain.
Maybe we should call a news conference."

The agent called the New York Times and the New York Post
and the Washington Post and the Daily News
and the National Enquirer, the American Spectator,
ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, The Christian Broadcasting Network,
the Christian Science Monitor, various Web site providers,
the White House, and his mother.

The second coming and his agent stepped out of a cab
in front of St. Patrick's Cathedral (it was the agent's idea).
The second coming looked at the tall spired building.
The cross made him wince. He looked down at his feet,
rubbed his hands together, scratched his forehead.

"Where is this place," asked the second coming?
"St. Patrick's Cathedral," said the agent. "It's a church."
"A what?" "It's too complicated to explain."

It was a slow news day,
so lots of reporters came for the second coming.
They brought notebooks and tape recorders and microphones
on boom stands and cameras, satellite uplinks
technicians, toys and perfect haircuts.

The second coming stood on the steps of St. Patrick's Cathedral.
He explained about God and Salvation
and Peace and how much God loved purple flowers.

The reporters held their notebooks
like they were covering a stump speech,
but there was something compelling about this man
in his robe, scraggly beard and sandals,
appearing a little dazed, or maybe just ethereal.

"What's your position on abortion," someone asked?
"On what," asked the second coming? "Baby killing,"
said the man from the Christian Broadcasting Network.
"It's a sin to kill babies."

And the headline read:
"The Second Coming Has Come, Condemns Abortion."
The agent was pleased with the coverage.
The second coming was confused.

An editorial in the New York Times cautioned.
The Christian Science Monitor applauded.
USA Today ran an eight-inch story with color charts of
Jerusalem and Bethlehem.
CNN tried to get him on Larry King Live.
Someone called the President.
Someone called the Vatican.

The agent booked a suite at the Trump Plaza.
The second coming preferred to sleep with the homeless
on a steam grate in front of Tiffany's. He talked to the homeless
of God and Salvation and Peace and
how much God loves purple flowers, until a policeman
rousted him and said he couldn't sleep there.
So he slept on a bench in Central Park.

2

The second coming was not good news to the Vatican.
The Pope made oblique, noncommittal statements
about "this figure who has appeared"
and tried to keep his options open.
He worried.

The President weighed the political benefits of embracing
the second coming, and the possibility that the second coming
was a scam. He knew about scams.

The President ordered the FBI to do a background check
on the second coming's agent and the CIA
to look for coded messages in his words
about God and Salvation and Peace
and how much God loved purple flowers.
He worried.

The Christian Coalition liked his stance on abortion, and so
embraced him immediately. They printed millions
of voter guides with a check box for which candidates
supported the second coming and which ones did not.
They didn't worry. They felt righteous.

The media fumed because
the second coming didn't do interviews.
So they interviewed scholars and pundits,
rabbis and priests, monks and nuns,
and mothers superior. Peter Jennings walked
through virtual reality sets of Jerusalem and Bethlehem.
Geraldo called it "the greatest story since O.J."
Steven Bochco plotted the TV series.
The networks looked for sponsors.

Birkenstock brought out a new line of sandals
like the ones the second coming wore. Ralph Loren marketed
a now familiar looking robe. Trendy students and rock n' rollers
grew scraggly beards and hung out at Tower Records.
Kids went to school with second coming lunch boxes.
The agent collected royalties.
The second coming slept in Central Park
and attracted crowds.

3

The second coming made the agent nervous.
The agent experienced a spiritual awakening. He started
to spend more time in Central Park and less time
at second coming headquarters in his Plaza suite.
The agent still wore his blue suit, white shirt,
red tie and black shoes, but
he thought of giving up his cellular phone and his beeper.

The agent tried to get the second coming
to read The New York Times and watch CNN.
The second coming listened to the homeless
who came to hear him talk about God and Salvation
and Peace and how much God loved purple flowers.

4

The second coming's second news conference
drew reporters from around the world. They brought notebooks
and tape recorders and microphones on boom stands and cameras,
satellite uplinks technicians, toys and perfect haircuts.
They snarled traffic all over Manhattan.

"Would you clarify your position on abortion," a reporter asked?
"I have no position on abortion," said the second coming.
"But it was reported that you said..."
"That was incorrect. My agent will supply you with a transcript."
The second coming was no longer confused.

A Gnostic scholar asked, "Can you put an end to speculation
that you had relations with Mary Magdalene?"
"Yes, I can," said the second coming.
The crowd leaned forward.
"Stop speculating."

"The Pope has refused to declare that
you are the legitimate second coming."
"Render unto the Pope what is the Pope's.
When he leaves his castle and gets down here
in the streets with the rest of us,
then he'll have an opinion worth considering."

Asked about welfare reform, he said:
"We should not turn our backs on the poor."
On the Middle East: "Those people have never gotten along."
On Rwanda: "Feed the people and there will be peace."
On Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton: "Father forgive them.
They know not..."
On the Christian Coalition: "They're using my name
without my permission."
On premarital sex: "Is this something new?"
On homosexuality: "Is this something new?"
On the current state of the world:
"It's pretty much as I left it, just more crowded."
"Why have you come back?"
"Because it's time."
"Thank you for coming."
The second coming walked back to the park.
It started to rain. Nobody moved.

The New York Times headline read: "Second Coming Slams Pope,
Supports Abortion Rights."
The National Star headline read:
"Jesus and Mary: The Inside Story,"
which was also the name of the NBC miniseries.

The second coming appeared on Oprah and Larry King,
Today Show and Good Morning America. He skipped Jenny Jones.
He gave interviews to C-SPAN, the Wall Street Journal,
the New York Times, Wolf Blitzer and Dev Null. His Web site,
www.secondcoming.com, got more than a million hits a week.

Planes landed at Kennedy Airport.
Thousands of people flocked to Central Park.
The networks worried about ratings.
The mayor worried about crowd control.
The President worried about his image.
The Pope worried about his power.
He called the President on a secure line.
The Christian Coalition was pissed.
They printed new voter guides.

5

Just before Christmas the stores were empty.
Toys stayed on the shelves.
Expensive jewelry stayed in its case.
Nobody bought gift certificates for McDonald's Happy Meals.
The churches were cavernous.

Nobody rode elevators,
sat at desks, made important phone calls, sent faxes or e-mail,
negotiated deals, underwrote offerings, invested in the internet,
speculated about the future of Apple Computer,
shopped at Safeway, cleaned the executive bathroom,
reviewed the R&D budget, tweaked the distribution system,
downsized, upsized or rightsized.

The Conference Board reported
Consumer Confidence was at an all-time high.
Consumer Spending was at an all-time low.
The economy neared collapse.

The second coming taught from his bench in Central Park
in his robe, scraggly beard and sandals
appearing a little dazed, or maybe just ethereal.
He fed the masses.

6

The President never mentioned the second coming by name.
He didn't appear to be concerned.
Neither did prime ministers, monarchs, bishops
and the Christian Coalition,
who held secret teleconferences on secured lines.

7

The second coming knew the day had come.
He did nothing different.
His hands started to bleed. His feet hurt. He got headaches.
His side ached.
He said nothing.

The second coming sat in silent contemplation
before a crowd of half-a-million. Everybody prayed
and munched on manna.

The second coming barely noticed the glint in the tree.
He turned to face God.
It was like slow motion--
the bullet coming towards him.
He spread his arms,
looked toward Home.
"Insanity," he thought, "is doing the same thing over and over
and expecting different results."
"God, my God," he said. "why does this keep happening to me?"

 


©1998, by Ken Siegmann