AP Wire Service Exclusive.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
February 13, 2002 9:47 AM PST
First Quantum Human Being Sighted
A low quality video tape showing what appears to
be a thin naked primate loping through the redwoods of Boulder Creek, California,
has been identified as none other than Nick Herbert who in the period of
one week was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for his revelation of the
Golden Rule Rev. 2.0, and then subsequently branded the War Criminal of
all time for the devastating discovery of his hand in the military funded
development of the Herbert Effect.
Negotiations between the Nobel Prize Committee in
Stockholm and the War Tribunal in the Hague are at an impasse over the jurisdictional
ownership of Herbert. Talks broke down late last night when the Nobel officials
began chanting "Good, good, good," while the War Tribunal groups
shouted back, "evil, evil, evil."
In the meantime US Attorney General, John Ashcroft,
has waded into the fray by stating, "I don't care if he's good or evil.
You can't be both and be an American. I've instructed the military to build
an annex to Camp X at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba to house Herbert while we sort
out whether he'll be tried as a war criminal, or a civilian impostor."
The AP has learned through an exclusive interview
with Herbert's business agent, John Brockman, that Herbert refuses to choose
sides between the good and evil factions. Brockman quotes Herbert as saying,
"Hey, I'm both at the same time. I'm pure potentia. Ha! You think I'll
give up being everything for being something. Not a chance." Brockman
added with a sly grin, "You think they'll ever find him? No way.
Nobody has ever seen an electron. All they ever see is where they've been.
Hell, Ashcroft doesn't even understand the constitution of the United States.
How's he going to get his head around Quantum physics?"
Earl L. Crockett, freelance backwoods edge science reporter, contributed
small parts to the above story, and was paid even less.
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Golden Rule 2.0--the Newest Morality
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Weapon X--the Ultimate Atrocity